Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.
I woke up, not remembering how or when or why i was even there and looked over to find Steph spooning with an adult black man.
When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Well I'm currently debating between getting toilet paper or getting my eyebrows waxed so... There's that
The goal for tonight is vagina. In and around. Doesn't matter who. How. Or why.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
Trust me. My dick only does selfies for you.
Somehow, you looked so classy chugging that bottle of wine last night.
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
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