just ate pastrami before passing out in my hotel room. My room smells like a petting zoo
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
All I want for christmas is my sobriety back.
you did pass out in the elevator last night, so it could be motion sickness
I'm cheering for the colts this year. I basically have to since my fake says i'm from indianapolis
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
my grandpa is going down the line on this prom picture, and telling me how big everyone's nipples are... he was spot on for me.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
I DONT UNDERSTAND NIPPLES. THEY JUST POP OUT FOR NO REASON
Well somebody's had a rough day, nipple-wise
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
Dear Jesus. Send me strength to not suck cock this morning.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
11:30 you texted me saying he was on his way. 11:37 you said, "Oh my God that was terrible."
Randomize
