I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.
i want to swaddle you in tequila
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
My roommate is trying to suck beer out of the rug.
I'm sure I'm not the FIRST newly single girl to table dance at a family restaurant.
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.
Your friend and I already don't get along
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
So ran into your ex from sophomore year last night... Apparently hes gay and a stripper now. we all got lap dances because we knew you
Just got a handjob from a 19 year old in front of the Parthenon. The Greek god of debauchery would be proud.
To be honest I've become too lazy for the work involved in getting laid.
You run marathons and you're too lazy for sex? Priorities, man.
Touche.
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
Randomize
