I just pynch a tree in the face
Let me tell you a story about the rise and fall of my self esteem
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I just had to take a picture of someone whose testicles are bigger than my fists combined. Living the dream.
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
We had sex and then stood naked in his living room eating zucchini bread.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Randomize
