im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
just got hammed at grandma and grampas 30th aniversary bash .. from the looks i was getting im guessing i wont be seeing an inheritance ...
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
You puked on my feet last night. You owe me a pedicure.
Was in the middle of a keg stand, the frat guys dropped me, and I broke my nose. My mom didn't enjoy that call from the hospital.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
There's a naked man in my car right now.
You was so high that you insisted that you heard someone whistle, then you insisted they was trapped in the wall!
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
I'm completely creeped out. He's dressed as me. And thinks it's funny.
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