I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
well seeing as i got a call at 5 am from the hotel manager telling me my cousin was passed out on the lobby floor...not good
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
dude there's no way we're going back in there for your puke shoes
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
We are not having sex in the fucking kindergarten
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