I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?
she has a santa fetish
cute.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."
Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds
You yelled "I gave my neighbor some of my bitch sauce" and then passed out. You now have drinking limits with us.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Randomize
