i feel like i'm waiting in line to date brett michaels
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
There's a guy in a life size dick costume, and two guys with white shirts that are each half if a pair of breasts in a red bra lol. They came separate but when they saw each other there was some titty fucking in the street, it's only 11
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
He’s 21. The president of his frat. I’m 28 and have a career!
Do it. It’s a noble position.
FYI brushing your teeth & taking off your makeup does not erase the shame from the night before
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