We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.
One reason I feel like garbage: Kraft single wine shots
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
Okay, I just got to our real hotel and the YMCA may have been a better choice. A man w/ no shirt on
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
Is it bad that when someone says the phrase "helicopter dick" I immediately think of you?
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
Don't talk to me about lonely until you're eating marshmallows for dinner in your underwear watching House of Cards for 12 hours straight. I hate all you couples
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Yeah ok. We can maid of honor each other since you don't like my boobs enough to lesbian marry me
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
