I really hope I'm not the first person who's had to wash vomit off of cash and credit cards.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
I'll try not to. I have an appointment at the hospital tomorrow so my goal is to wake up there.
I can already almost taste penis in my mouth
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
It's gotten so bad I typed my will out on my phone in case it's over.
Tell her this is the Disneyland of penises.It's a magical place everyone should visit once in their life.
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
You slid down a wall, tried to pull your cast off and yelled that casts were too conformist.
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
Randomize
