The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
I just accidently tagged myself in the picture of the 16 year olds spreading their legs in bikinis. Failure.
My teachers should feel privileged to see me this morning, after the amount of alcohol I consumed last night.
i was way too optimistic last night... got back to my apartment and the porch light was still on, like i'd actually make it all the way home.
Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.
Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.
The good news is the house is clean, the bad news is someone redecorated the bonus room by spray painting "free willy" on the wall in honor of the girl who passed out in there last night.
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize
