I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now
I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome
he told me that if i wanted to smoke he could make a piece out of my shoe. were keeking this kid around
I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...
Please don't smoke the bong in the bathroom while you shit. It is not a shitting bong.
I don't know how I'm going to know it's her, I only know what she looks like with a wig on
SHE COULD ALREADY BE HERE AND I WOULDN'T EVEN KNOW
DON'T PUKE iN THE PRINGLES CAN, WHATEVER YOU DO!
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
My favourite part was when you contorted upside down in the tub and said "I don't want to be upside down"
Randomize
