I feel like my nuva ring should have a vibrating switch.
I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
Dude you need to stop whoring out my boobs. They are for emergencies only.
Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.
Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...
Breaking up as roommates was a poor life decision. I'm sorry. Thank you for never shitting on the floor.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
We were coming but I found wine on my way out the door.
Those tiny little fruit fly looking mofos. They fly past the phone and I grabbed them like Daniel-San
watched my neighbor eat five yodels, mow his lawn, and then cry on his porch after the party... what did you give him?
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
you flipped over the sheets and there was my bed. filled with ding dongs.
Went up to some dude that hit on Laura and told him he has a voice like a grandma. Apparently didnt have muscles or kindness like grandma so can you pick me up at the ER please?
Randomize
