I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
Do you want the good news or bad news first?
bad news
The bad news is i thew up on your bed, the good news is i found out who ate your cheetos.
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Then he showed me his sketchbook. Every drawing was a hand in different 'fingering positions'. Dear JESUS.
Yea you just drank all the Hookah water, then started talking gibberish about the Kool Aid you just drank.
after further investigation i found out he's a little bit married..
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
It doesn't matter how many beers you've had, it's unacceptable to piss in someone's helmet after a playoff win.
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
I had to dig my own trench to puke in at the resort. That much fun.
I'm wearing a fleece onesie eating pop tarts on the train to work. Killing it.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
I fought off a bull with my bare hands while he went off to have sex with her against a wall. I’m more upset about the fact that no one is acknowledging what I did.
Randomize
