I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
She had to put it in. I told her I was too drunk and didnt trust myself to not put it in her ass.
We just found a handle of vodka in our fridge and no one knows how it got there. God I love spring break.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Just found out my dad smokes weed too. Mom, grandma, all aunts and uncles, and now my dad too. It's like I'm genetically engineered to be a stoner.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
