my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Apparently love is stronger than SoCo
No, that was the night I helicoptered my dick to oncoming traffic. Im talking about the night I ran naked down the street.
We got to the second bar and all he kept saying was "I'm on an alcohol safari!" Best 21st birthday ever.
Only three months past my 21st and I'm done. So many life lessons in so little time.
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
nothing says "fuck you jocks from high school my life is better than yours" like bringing 5 grand in 20s to the bar
I've never been so tempted to check my phone during sex in my life.
I woke up with masking tape on my nipples this morning........... WHY DO BAD THINGS HAPPEN TO GOOD PEOPLE
I think I'm so comfortable in my sexual relationship because he mostly wants to see me naked with large plates of bacon tastefully placed upon my body
Randomize
