I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
We haven't even moved into the apartment yet and she has already screwed two of our neighbors. This is going to be the longest 12 month lease of my life.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I'm crying at a bar by myself drinking a pear martini drawing things dicks are scared of. How was your day?
I'm eating cereal out of a cocktail shaker. That kind of blizzard.
So the girl I met at the bar last night came home with me. Played with my puppy. And left.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
You said you're gonna end your night with a six pack and awful erotica
Randomize
