we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
He told me I was his first American. I feel like I should've brought a flag to plant on him.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
I'm with jana at walgreens picking out penis rings.... Did you know they sell vibrators at walgreens? Wtf?
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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