I just woke up on my kitchen floor using a yellow pages as a pillow and surrounded by plants that used to be in the garden around my apt building, can't wait to see the security tapes for my eviction
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
I can't wait to get all this Makers out of my shoe.
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
What drugs are we doing when you visit?
The correct answer is all the drugs because I just found out they have glow in the dark bubbles.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
You guys had reggaeton music playing while dry humping? Definition of romance.
I would go a lot of places to get laid. But I would NOT go to Staten Island.
idk how I feel so profoundly understood by someone whose latest tweet is "labia majora's mask." but I do.
Also I think I drunkenly signed up to be an uber driver or something because they keep emailing me to fill out a background check
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
Randomize
