stop calling my apartment porn island.
smell my finger.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
your stepbrother is rimming his martinis with coke... keeps saying "thank god its tuesday". where does funemployment end and intervention begin?
Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.
you just kept saying 'take out my tanks' and tell the cab driver to go slower, i have no idea what you were talking about but i'm glad you had fun.
i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend
I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.
i turned my shower on this morning and passionfruit pulp came out. how did you even do that?
I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????
She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it
He wasn't excited for the fifty shades of grey trailer, so I told him we're done
After the day I've had, I can't decide if donuts or fireball would be the appropriate priority.
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
