I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT
she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
AND I woke up to eggs in my bra. Thanks Taco Cabana...
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
It makes me so happy that my local liquor store has a black lab that is there every day. Really tho - it makes the higher prices excusable.
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
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