I wasted some perfectly good semen on her
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
If is anything like my past relationships, I have no doubt that I will single-handedly reignite the Cold War
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
If I had your job the next day id be on the news. And not the good news. Like fox & friends. Nancy grace would have my ass.
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
It's a sad day when you're not really phased by the McChicken video only because you've seen weirder porn.
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
I just chased my birth control with Smirnoff. Shit's about to go down.
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
Can you imagine doing supermarket sweep in a sex store? What's the sex store equivalent of a whole ham?
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
He dicked me, fed me creme brulee, and didn’t make a big deal out of me causing a flood to come outta my vagina
Marry him NOW
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