he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
You're obviously not trying hard enough. GET LAID. Kittens die for less.
Touche salesman.
Qdoba locked their bathrooms last night.. I suppose so people didn't pee all over them? I considered it counter productive considering I just peed on the outside of their building then. I had to pee
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
You left a motherfucking bruise. ON MY TIT. How? How do you even. No.
He went out to smoke and when he came back I was still in the same spot naked and unable to breathe.
All I could say was, "ladies and gentlemen, THIS is why I drive 30 mins"
He told me was "pretty like the wife in some movie where the husband is a cheater." I think I'm gonna fuck him.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
The two of us went back to your place, had sex, peed in cups, then i went home. Literally all i know
You were just laying there on the air mattress watching spongebob with a knife. We tried to take it from you, but you insisted it was your emergency escape in case you started to float off.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
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