I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
This hotel is not contributing to my sobriety, they have 4 kinds of free wine and beer.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I now have an ENTIRE drawer of unused disposable silverware from Boston Market... and you guys said I needed to "buy" kitchen stuff
Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
when you greet her, try not to lead with "this night will end with you on top of me". first impressions, bro.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
I sliced my fucking arm open last night after margarita madness and had to drive myself to the ER. Got six stitches and a social worker came in and asked if I was abused due to my sex bruises. I literally had to tell her "don't worry, I like it rough"
dude...i punched my best friend in the face, broke up with my girlfriend, and shit my pants.......now i don't know which one to take care of first.
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Randomize
