dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret
its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.
that girl is introducing herself into your group of friends one dick at a time.
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
czant get you from the arport. sry i found the rum. dan sucks at rumpong jusrt so yo knoqw.
I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
6 pack came off in the shower. Sharpie is not forever.
If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
I know I'm high, but the dude in target definitely just told me that it's best to walk through every door in life like you're a t-rex....
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
Seriously. There were about 4 hours in which I swear my nose was not attached to my face.
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