I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
Everybody knows the last week of summer internships include showing up to the office hammered and hitting on the CEO
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
He waited until after foreplay to tell me that he didn't have a condom and "we" would just have to settle for a bj tonight...
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
What do you wear to apply at a strip club?
At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?
I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"
It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Either you got hacked or we need to have a serious discussion about sending penis enlargement emails to your straight friends and why you shouldn't. It sends the wrong message.
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
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