Michael Bay diarrhea
we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
I told him he was a man of science and that he should conduct experiments on my tits to see how they stay up. I need you to hold onto my larynx when I'm drunk.
No dude I got way too drunk to function. 90% sure I tried to FaceTime 911.
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
Dude... this pee is not alleged
YOU SAT ON MY LAP!
Wuddup pee lap
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