Man, ugly runs in her family
yeah, big time
I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.
I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
my neighbors having band practice on sunday morning is a message from the universe that I should stop drinking
he's a firefighter. like being a firefighter screams MY DICK IS HUGE SO I'M NOT AFRAID TO DIE IN THIS FIRE.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
You wanna come over?
Too high to be booty called. My cereal is growing hair.
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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