why does being broke make me substitute dinner for vodka, Xanax, and two day old cupcakes? I don't like being fat, jittery and drunk.
i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.
Its people like u that make people like me go to rehab. He has a lazy eye for christ sakes.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
I went over to help her build a porch, but we decided that was too much work, so we just got high and watched Scooby Doo
She was dressed as a banana and told me that I needed more potassium in my diet. Of course I went down on her.
Amanda, I can 99.9% assure you i'm probably never going to bang your mom
I DON'T LIKE THAT SENTENCE
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
Randomize
