There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
an ex called crying about her current BF. convo ended in phone sex. i love emotional wrecks
low key just jizzed in a chinese food container
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
I think the 8 yr old is hitting on me and they just prayed for the salvation of third world countries
i feel like i should invite him over so he can cockblock my roommate one last time before he graduates. for old times sake, ya know
i only stock magnum condoms so if the guy i bring home doesn't fit in them he only gets to eat me out. no exceptions.
if my uterus stops caving in on itself long enough for me to be alive I'm there
What the fuck i just wanna eat my froot loops and sext in peace. Y'all motherfuckers gotta be loud as shit and break my concentration
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Randomize
