Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
College reaches a new low. We just carved a shot glass out of a potatoe.
Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom
I am in macy's and just straight up heard an old lady taking a crap in her depends.
He left his shoes, boxers and socks at my house & managed to walk home to his dorm without realizing anything was missing until 3 days after. That's the last time i'll ever hook up with a freshman.
I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.
I'm not trying to take your husband away from you, but can we have another 3way soon? I'm just desperate for good dick.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
He has fairy lights round his bed.. And played Jamie cullum when we had sex... Hes batting for the other team right?
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