I thought I was riding a bike, but I guess it was a vacuum cleaner
battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.
yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.
I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.
Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
And I'm stuck at home while my dad's in vegas hanging out with Zach gali... Zach... That guy from the hangover
And the sky opened up and god said.... "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!!!!"
If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
Randomize
