i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
everyone knows he gets back in a week and after that i'm not sleeping around anymore. it's like i have a expiration date.
Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
Cuz its complicated and I hate complicated and I miss your penis
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
You got me so high that I almost couldn't leave my house for a bar because there was nothing to lean against on the way there
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Do the right thing and go fuck yourself off a cliff
Last night you were throwing up in my toilet singing "all by myself."
Randomize
