i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.
I threw up into my coffee this morning.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get
Fell asleep on the Grass at Lolla woke up in the Brown line. What. The. Fuck.
Oh eartly, In cocy youtu youchv make the wallflowers d tskunks!y, couch protection now,.sryou should feel special !
Im drunk on a hayride surrounded by toddlers. they are judging me.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Everyone should know the rule that if your dicks touch during a threeway you just make lightsaber noises and move on.
Like, defending PBR and Bio Dome consumes a lot of my time.
I've now fucked in every motel room in this small town.
Usually it's tequila, or vodka. But today was just the devil
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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