Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.
Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.
He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?
A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
When I told her I was deaf and took my hearing aids out at night to sleep, she said it must be nice not having to hear drunken roommates having awkward sex late at night.
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