im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I'm covered in mustard and it looks like I nose dived in to barbed wire ??? Was last night that good?
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
my mom just said "if you had sex with someone you don't really like I'm going to be so mad at you" HOW DOES EVERYBODY KNOW
Also, I found your gauge.
I found it under my pillow like a gift from the Sex Fairy.
I have to tell him to stop eating me out so I'm not late for work; my life could be a lot worse.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
As your friend, I promise I will drink a full bottle of vodka and belly slide down the stairs with you if that test is positive
I'm wearing a sports bra. Of course I'm not getting laid tonight.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I wouldn't have found her if it wasn't for the vomit trail leading into my brother's room.
Randomize
