Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.
This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
Randomize
