She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.
So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
That's the 3rd guy I've made pass out from a bj. I may have super powers.
My feet surprised me
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
Honestly, this social distancing bullshit is giving me a good excuse for drinking alone.
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