Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..
I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state
I climbed out of the shower to him sitting on the floor trimming his pubes with nail clippers, we both just started laughing at how drunk we were
you'll probably come home to me baked as fuck and shirtless
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Welp, no use in crying over spilt milk. I can't unbang her.
When the nurses wouldn't let him smoke in the hospital he decided to just roll around on the floor.
Randomize