this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
As if me making pizza in a skillet wasn't enough proof that I was in no state to be cooking, this burn blister on my hand is
I told him he was probably the first guy to get fucked while wearing Star Wars pyjamas.
Will you judge me if i do shots in my basement closet first? No? Okay good
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.
You are a terrible person.
I just try to be optimistic...
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
I just imagined myself as R2-D2 and you as C3P0 walking around the Vegas desert looking for alcohol
I got pulled over by the same cop in a 4.5 hour window. Got off both times. Fuck yes.
He was shirtless in my yard saying he was jesus
God. Spice Girls is now grocery store demographic. Kill me.
Randomize
