I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
I couldn't get past the raccoon on my porch so i slept on my lawn.
He's grinding topless with a group of girls to that discovery channel song. May I take a message?
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
I need a nap, Harry Potter movies, and dick in this exact order after work.
Accomplishment of the day: changing my tampon at 38,000 ft with turbulence. Fasten seatbelt sign was definitely on.
Just responding to the most professional request I've ever gotten to get shitfaced.
I'll screw just about anything, but I draw the line there
If I had any lingering questions about my sexuality, the strip club tonight verified I'm 100% gay
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
really who shits their pants then locks themselves out of their apartment? ... I threw my underwear out in a random bathroom
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
