I was to big spoon the shit out of you right now
I'm so hungover and dru,k
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
My cab driver just texted me 'goodnight beautiful'. I think my 'desperate for a guy phase' has just moved into a fuck my life phase.
the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting
It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices
stop bragging. last time i got laid i got double pink eye, and it was so not worth it
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
I need a burrito and a hug.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
My sunday was babysitting three big, drunk, crying Swedes. Unless your day involved four or more giant drunk swedes I don't want to hear about it.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Randomize
