ok, im coming! i just found some lemon square in my bangs, washing that out..this shit is all over me! was i in a pie eating contest?
yes
did i win? did you like my outfit? or should i change, if you were horny would you bang me?
The cop only confirmed I'm .22% Irish. Then I threw up on him.
i woke up next to the toilet with a chipped tooth, somebody elses shirt on, and a random guys id in my pocket
This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
P.S. The slutty NASCAR driver costume will be saved and used year round for role play.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out
A giant panda just asked me for a cigarette and said "man pandas gotta smoke too." There is something wrong with this place.
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
is it acceptable to cross the border for sex?
Didn't pick classes because we were out all weekend...only open course is "alcohol and drug problems". Fucking ironic.
I just want someone to put their head on my boobs and laugh at my jokes ....
Is it fucked up to venmo someone for plan-b?
Randomize
