New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
How do you tell if you're on the terrorist watch list?
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up
She's going to get preggers, drop out of school, and end up working at mcdonalds. Great for our mcdoubles habit but bad for her future.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
AND FUCKING MGMT JUST CAME ON. CAN I GO DROWN MYSELF IN LESBIANS OR SOMETHING? IS IT TIME TO LESBIAN
we're fated to lesbian
I hope it's the birth control, otherwise I'm dying
He spent like 5 minutes figuring out how best to position me so I would still be able to watch the game. Maybe there is a benefit to dating a guy who cares about me but doesn't care about my team.
Pretty sure this is the part where you go buy a ring.
I made a half way decent playlist
Im gonna call it "hanging myself"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
Randomize
