My favorite part of our friendship is your tits.
It's been over a month and I still can't find the bra I wore out on new years eve.
But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?
I don't think I even want to know why you are sending my husband pictures of your nutsack.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
Fucking shoot me with this y'all shit. You were in Texas for 2months you do not have an accent Madonna
I almost don't wanna have sex with her because I'm afraid she'll steal my hat
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize
