Get your hand out of your ass!
how did you know my hand was in my ass? Guess where my other hand is..?
In your belly button
Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
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