Just remembered I told my boss that matt used to make me toss his salad like every time we hooked up. Nice
Come scavenge bits of tuna out of my chest hair
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
When I tell my children how I survived hurricane Sandy I'll probably leave out the threesome
What kind of outfit says I totes want you to take me in the airplane bathroom?
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
2 six inch heels, 3 big sangrias, no broken legs
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
Everyone needs to leave the house so I can use the good vibrator without being judged.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
you fell asleep with her panties on your face. how are you surprised??
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