why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
All I seem to do lately is get myself off, take naked pictures and drink beer. I don't know if thats a good or bad thing.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.
The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".
We were naked in bed for hours and we didn't have sex. Either he's gay or he wants to respect me. Neither of which I approve of.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Either of you know why the shower was on and the bathroom door wide open with no one in there at 6 in the morning?
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
Randomize
