I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?
I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
we'll penetrate his innocence with our dicks
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
I think my greatest accomplishment today was probably using a bottle opener to get the cap off my fourth drink while holding the cat WITHOUT dropping him.
Oh god, what has my life become?
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Worst. Date. Ever. He peeled a layer of bread off his mini burger buns because they had "too many carbs".
I agree and I would be an awesome dog
I took a pregnancy test at Pancheros a bit ago.
Ur betting me $100 that I can't do ur sister?
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
If I could eat my chicken parm naked, it would be the closest I could ever be to God.
I fucked a 6 foot tall guy who has abs showing without even flexing... I am a wizard and I have magical powers.
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