the party we crashed was not a party. the party we crashed was jens grandads funeral.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.
Dude if it is ever said "everybody get inside the police helicopter just showed up.". That means it was a successful party.
Turns out the guy I peed on gave me a ride back to my dorm this morning.
You are a god.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
2 hours later, she made her cat watch the waterfall scene from Homeward Bound to teach her how good she has it here.
Sounds like either a very good Friday night or a very bad Saturday morning.
Indeed. If boner pill commercials have taught us anything, it's the importance of waiting until the moment is right.
Where else would I get life advice?
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
she bought my drinks all night, made me breakfast in the morning, and let me use her expensive hair products before i left. best one night stand ever.
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