I just threw up on my dentist
apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.
But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?
One of the mothers are the party said to me "All your friends are getting married, you're just getting drunk"
imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?
Dude Eric's high and buying everyone taquitos. How much room do we have in the freezer?
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
I wanna die of smoke inhalation. In a huge teepee. Or one of those big things kids in kindergarten have that you throw up in the air then sit inside of.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Fighting the urge to throw up all over my little brothers jr high basketball bench. Welcome home aaron
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
