Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable
just saw someone climb out of the dumpster at cvs and start walking down the street like it was completely normal
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
If I ever look like I'm about to have a repeat of last night, hit me. Just smack me as hard as you can.
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I am 95% sure I just heard my cat say "What are you doing home? It's Saturday night."
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
I just had a morning three-some with marijuana and a detachable shower-head
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