I am pretty sure he just licked my hand while trying to sing goo goo dolls iris to me. Get me out of this state.
I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.
Its a sad day when your bush has a better set of hair than you do
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
So I'm dropping a fat deuce at work, and the lock on the stall door slips and the door slides open, when suddenly someone comes in. Now I have two options, I can either get up quickly and try to shut the door quickly (not easy to do with one hand) or I can just sit there and play it off like it's no big deal and I always dump at work with the door open. I chose option two, and it was as awkward as it sounds.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
You came out in nothing but lingerie and a Jedi robe claiming you needed more of those baby hot dog things or you were gonna go all Sith on us
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
I frew up on some kids lovely sidealk chald drawings..
I ripped my favorite bra in half last night while I was undressing in a drunken rage.
What was the rage all about?
He wouldn't stop to let me get McDonald's french fries.
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
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