I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I am in my freshman residence hall trying to convince an Asian man to give me my pants back. Never. Drinking. Again.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
I need to ask my mom where the drain cleaner is, but I'm afraid she'll ask why and the answer to that will just be "cum."
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
We're over by the bouncy castles. I'm the one wearing a baby. Bring Twizzlers.
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
My boobs are numb because I've been using them as stress balls
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Is eating a dinner of fishsticks and gin mean you're failing at adulthood? I'm asking for a friend.
snapping my married booty call and next thing I know a plan b ad pops up
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
