two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
I went full Overly Attached Girlfriend. You never go full OAG.
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
actually there are like 49038098 people in the bathroom for no reason. Singing My Heart Will Go On and pseudo fighting.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I am having telepathic thoughts with my cat. He loves me and wants me to blow his nose
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Randomize
