When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.
Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
I wonder if you're allowed to smoke pot at Denver bronco games now...
Well I didn't get a shacker shirt but I somehow managed to come home with superman socks
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am high. And my mom surpised me today. Now i am high and with my mom....bad idea
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
One of my tenants at my fourplex that I own gave me a massive bag of severely dank pot and a brick of cocaine because she didn't have the cash to pay the rent. She might just be my favorite tenant!
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