shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Yeah, she'd be cute...but she has faith. It's a problem down south.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Woke up on the floor with my glow stick in one hand & dollar bills in the other. Good. Morning.
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile
Won't anyone wonder why I'm mute, bald, and wearing an eye patch?
He won't sleep with me again until I commit...
Run. There is other dick in the sea, less clingy dick.
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I just want to eat Taco Bell and throw it up on his doorstep.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
Randomize
