you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
Listen, i'm watching playoff hockey and eating waffles. i just don't have time for your drama today.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
I woke up in solitary confinement, wheb they moved me the guy that sold me the pill of Molly at the concert was in the police waiting room, we nodded to each other.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
Woke up the day after the party with a bruise on my stomach. Pretty sure my liver was trying to escape for fear of it's life.
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
Wait. We seriously played strip beer pong at the bar last night. Who said I never came up with good ideas
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
He poured champagne on my pussy while he ate me out. I found my unicorn.
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