I swear god or herbie drove my car home
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
Hot date tonight for the first time in months and I just cut my dick shaving. PRAY FOR ME.
Blow Jobs and the Patriots Playing I think I’m going to marry her
Look, I know why you're asking me, but just because I'm gay does not make me a wiki on butt sex. Ask a doctor or you know, the internet like everyone else.
She yelled “outlaw country” right before we heard the police siren
Randomize
