Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
two words: eviction party
I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Technically ya I did. Hes tried to get down my pants like 3 times now and every time I have been all "these are not the Droids you are looking for"
A girl just asked me if we had pregnancy tests and a coworker had to stop me from telling her I was a pregnancy test. THAT is why I don't drink at work.
I think I'm still drunk...I just gave my empty conditioner bottle a break-up speech before I threw it away.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Also. I think I just got sentimental over a nude
"We hooked up and in the morning he emailed me his mix tape"
Damn victory sex feels great
You like pics of my balls that much?
I am at the store looking at frames as we text...
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