I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I even made an effort to dress like a conservative young lady who doesnt black out and throw up in her bed regularly today.
I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
