I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face
I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Is there a coat check? I stole 10 vases of flowers along with two bottles of champagne and I'm not sure what to do with them.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I just had a visual of u banging and screaming at him at the same time.
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
I need an outfit for the bar tmrw that reads I have daddy issues and would like a fancy sugar daddy.
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
