So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
I'm chatting on my fake OkCupid account and watching Lion Witch & Wardrobe on my second screen. Hail me, King of the Creepers
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Omg. I'm making you a chocolate and "herb" birthday cake and using joints for candles. I'm gunna need moms help with this!
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
why the hell are you crying over taco bell?
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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