The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
I woke up this morning under my fitted sheet and my legs through the sleeves of my sweater.
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
bowling with tennis balls and shot glasses. whatever you dont knock down after 2 rolls, you drink.
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
Someday you'll be stoned enough to create a one-person step team and then you'll understand
She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
How do we have all these hot friends who we never do body shots off of
Sometimes I think he has a hidden camera in my vagina so he knows what I'm doing and saying at all times...
im drinking out of a pineapple, so yea.
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Randomize
