The elaphant ear plant popped a new leaf ! Wahoo !
Call me "white mamba"
Your dick is not a dangerous deadly poisonous snake
It is white.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I'm high. Everything has a 45° angle. That is as far as my eyes open
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I met my future wife last night. She's a bombshell from Delaware, hates Trump, and humiliated two old men in a GOP healthcare debate while simultaneously convincing them to pick up both of our bar tabs.
Sorry 4 always trying to rope you into my sexual exploits
I paid for lunch, then he made a bunch of holes in my wall and destroyed my bathroom.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
Randomize
