You dirty dirty liar I like the way you twitter
he kept bringing up different times we had sex and i wouldnt say anything back. i would never confirm nor deny the situation...like a politician ya kno
Do they take checks?
Did you really just ask me if you could write a check for a DRUG DEAL?
I'm buying drugs in the library...And it's not even finals time. What has my life become?
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
CAN I EVER JUST MAKE OUT EITH SOMEONE AND NOT GET FRIEND REQUESTED BY THEM THE NEXT DAY.
Where are you? We're in between the guy dressed as a giant inflatable penis and the Justin Bieber lookalike lesbians
Does the penis have a genital wart?
Cheers to being single today. There's an entire box of franzia with my name on it.
I just remembered I made you punch yourself in the face last night and I would like to formally apologize for that even though it was hilarious.
He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.
you started shaking the frozen steak while screaming "THIS IS CAPITALISM" before rubbing it all over your chest and passing out on your dog
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
If you fucking touch my phone and text people, drunk or sober, ever again, i will shove a swizle stick up your pee hole.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
