my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
i DID NOT walk around with my knees bent and my hands behind my back with long spandex and underarmour pretending to be Apollo Ono
I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"
we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.
Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.
Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
We attempted to microwave fifteen corndogs in the microwave and may have ruined it. Also there were fake mustaches on all of his appliances...he said he doesn't like drunk me.
And then he posed under the bed and said, "you should draw me like one of your french girls." Why do they keep giving this kid drugs?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
There still is not and there never will be anything as magical as getting high while listening to William Shatner's version of Bohemian Rhapsody.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
