You should come over. I am making a celebratory I got laid by a huge penis cake.
Weird shit dude, I just realized that the girl I fucked last night looks like Shaun White's twin sister. I dunno if I should be scared or turned on
I hope her Double McTwist was as good as his
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
She's just so happy...and so naked.
I accidentally got a lemon stuck in your bong. I was trying to make it taste good. Sorry
Obviously he considers you not fucking him as fucking up. Thus making him fuck up. Based on this I believe he should be disqualified from the race to your vagina.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
We were going to play manhunt in a strip club, calling it mancunt.
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
Quick question: now that you've broken up, should I also delete the nudes your boyfriend sent me while you were together??
Randomize
